The World Cup kit rater: The good, bad and ugly of Russia 2018
The FIFA World Cup is finally here, and you know what that means: Prima donna footballers swanning around in the finest on-field fashion world sport has to offer.
Australia will be decked out in an all-gold number this year — will it be enough to swing the fashion judges' glances our way in the World Cup attire final?
Which kit is your favourite?
If patriotism and favourite players were put to one side, which of this year's 32 World Cup kits gets your fashionista motor running?
External Link: Which five kits are your World Cup favourites?
Without further ado, here are our kit ratings, in order of their World Cup groups.
Russia: 5/10
Our World Cup hosts kick things off with a bright red set-up, with white trim in a proudly Russian arrangement of colour.
Admittedly it's pretty simple — anyone who's ordered custom kits for their Wednesday-night futsal team knows a generic template when they see one — as Russia looks to go safety-first for their showpiece event.
Saudi Arabia: 3/10
Not off to the strongest start just yet. Saudi Arabia's home kit has gone for the plain white, with green edgings and a brand new crest.
Not much for wowing the crowd, though they get a bonus point for the shirt numbers on the lapel.
Egypt: 6/10
The colour red seems to suit simple kits, but there's a little more than meets the eye with Egypt's striking top, with a checkerboard pattern making the most subtle of impressions.
Striking black finishes on sleeves and collar give Egypt something of a race-car vibe, which will suit the likes of the speedy Mo Salah just fine.
Uruguay: 7/10
The likely winner of Group A, Uruguay already tops the group's fashion metric with a quintessentially sharp number from the South American nation.
Uruguay has a rich history of dapper footballers stealing hearts (Diego Forlan, oh my), and the sky-blue, tight-fitting Puma top will no doubt see them maintain their fine tradition of fashionable competence.
Portugal: 6/10
The big question with any Portuguese kit: Will the walking, talking mannequin that is Cristiano Ronaldo pull it off?
Kind of like how the colour black goes with anything, Portugal has gone low key in 2018.
There are those that argue Ronaldo could pull off wearing a hessian bag, and while the manufacturers haven't gone that low, they're perhaps banking on the models to sell the clothes, rather than the other way round.
Traditional dark red, bottle green and golden flourishes for the kit manufacturer means it's a safe-as-houses effort from the European champions.
Spain: 8/10
At last, a stand-out to finally get the ball rolling. Spain's kit is a throw-back to the regalia it wore during the 1994 World Cup in the United States, with a similar zappy braid pattern down the right shoulder along the torso.
It's bright, it's inherently Spanish, with the right dash of Iberian flamboyance to completely overshadow their peninsula rivals Portugal.
Now the question remains: Can our fashionable matadors tame the metaphorical bulls on the football pitch in such eye-catching gear?
Morocco: 4/10
Let's start with the positives: Morocco's kit sports a particularly nice shade of red.
But that's as far as the niceties go on one of a vast collection of red World Cup jumpers.
This is not the beginning of a beautiful friendship. No one will be asking Sam to play this one again.
Iran: 3/10
It's white. It's got some Adidas red trims. And that's about it really.
Iran's view on shirts seems to revolve purely around function, more than form. Basically something for footballers to wear so they don't catch their death of exposure.
France: 7/10
Les Bleus' kits have been getting darker and more navy as the years progress. So the 2018 version at least makes a token nod towards the more royal blue colours France used to sport, particularly when they won football's biggest prize in 1998.
Up against the brighter colours of Australia, Peru and Denmark in Group C, France's dark assassins prime as favourites to top the group, and realistically should be aiming to reach the World Cup final.
This year in the fashion stakes, however, probably sees them bow out in the quarter-final stage.
Australia: 8/10
Traditionalists may prefer green and gold, but the all-gold approach for the Socceroos in 2018 is a winner in our books.
The wave-pattern on the sleeves is a flourish we'll indulge for now, but there's something really proud and uplifting about the bright hues from top to toe that Australia has picked for its trip to Russia.
Arguments about Australian gold and canary yellow may ensue, but Australia will at least be visually noticed by the discerning nay-sayers of Europe and South America, this time.
Peru: 4/10
Look! It's that club you created from scratch in Pro Evolution Soccer!
Peru makes a long-awaited return to the World Cup wearing its signature beauty-pageant sash, diagonally slashed across a white front — but it's not going to take out the Miss Congeniality prize this year.
Peru will be hoping it's counter-attacking style reaps rewards on the pitch, because they're sticking to basics in the wardrobe.
Denmark: 8/10
Simple doesn't always mean bad, nor does it imply a lack of effort. Unlike striker Nicklas Bendtner, Denmark finds an unerring finish with this red-and-white arrangement.
It's bold. It's proud. And it might just be worn by the runners-up (at least) of Group C. Onward, raiders!
Argentina: 6/10
Exactly what you'd expect from an Argentina kit. Nothing more, nothing less.
You know the drill: White and pale-blue stripes, the Adidas shoulders, and Lionel Messi looking surly. As you were.
Iceland: 6/10
Iceland is incredibly making its World Cup debut in Russia. Rather than a boring, run-of-the-mill promotion photo, we've opted for Football Iceland's epic, country-spanning video spot.
External Link: footballiceland tweets The new kit is here
Ah, Iceland. What a mythical place. Their footballers will be aiming to achieve mythical status themselves in a simple but effective bright blue number, laced with Icelandic pride and spirit. "Hu", indeed!
Croatia: 8/10
Red and white checks. Some things just work, and Croatia's checkerboard pattern (known as šahovnica, to the educated) is a safe bet for footballing fashionistas.
It's elegance and national pride in perfect harmony. And they're a decent football team too, as an added bonus.
Nigeria: 10/10
If the World Cup were won by how much kits were a visual feast for the eyes, Nigeria would right now be lauded for bringing home a first-ever title for the African continent.
An electric, almost soothing shade of green, paired with white and laced with zappy chevrons that screams energy, the Super Eagles will be a sight to behold if their pacey forwards get cracking in these numbers.
As if it needs bonus points for an incredible sales pitch, Nike goes for it anyway by saying the kit is inspired by "Naija" spirit, meaning "youthful exuberance, pride and fresh perspective on patriotism".
Brazil: 7/10
Brazil's kits will always be iconic and impressive. This year it's more of the same, though the darker shade of yellow seems to undersell it just a smidge.
There are two take-home messages from this, though: The Socceroos' bright kit will look just a bit more impressive in comparison, and Neymar (assuming he heals up in time) will always look good as long as the silky skills are on show.
Switzerland: 7/10
Honestly, we're not sure if this pattern even works, but damn it, the idea is at least novel.
It's what you'd expect from Switzerland's red kit, except this time they've interlaced it with a topographical map of the Swiss countryside. The Matterhorn is situated just above the wearer's heart.
An idea as refreshing as the air in the Swiss Alps.
Costa Rica: 6/10
It's basic, but Costa Rica will always enjoy an advantage in these stakes with the ever-handsome colour combination of royal red and royal blue.
This time, a little subtle complication is thrown into the mix with a neat gradient pattern on one side of the shirt. Slow and steady wins the race.
Serbia: 3/10
All the good stuff went into producing Serbia's obscene sporting talent, and nothing was left for the design brains trust.
A boring, generic shirt, where even the numbers look a little moth-eaten.
Germany: 9/10
Goodness gracious. If anyone can do retro design, it's the Germans.
If you thought black and white was a pretty vanilla colour combo, think again. Striking Adidas shoulders, a clean monochrome throughout, and as for that swoosh!
It makes us want to do our geometry lessons in high school maths class all over again.
Mexico: 7/10
Deep dark green, white edges, and a strobe finish on the flanks. Mexico's got itself a kit that demands to be taken seriously.
It's all business from El Tri, who will be looking for second spot at least in Group F.
Sweden: 5/10
Can do better, Sweden!
From the home of sound, economical design, Sweden had the tools to do something truly brilliant in Russia. The ingredients were there — the subtle diagonal bars hint at so much promise, but generally it's a bit of a let down from the Scandinavians.
South Korea: 2/10
It's red.
Anyone who struggled to come up with ideas for dress-up parties knows the feeling the Korean designers appear to have gone through, here. Grab an old shirt you haven't worn in ages and hope for the best.
Those hopes appear dashed.
Belgium: 9/10
Nicely done! Belgium has had some fun with this one, with a cool geometric splash across the chest of its red kit.
We're only marking home kits here, because we're trying our best not to be influenced by that fabulous golden number they're sporting as their change strip.
Panama: 5/10
The World Cup debutants could be the tournament's whipping boys, but they at least won't finish last in the fashion grades.
A handsome red with fading, bevelled blocks across the Panamanian pecs should see the underdogs go out swinging in more ways than one.
Tunisia: 1/10
Nope. Not good enough from the fabled "Eagles of Carthage".
If you have the tournament's greatest nickname, you would surely come up with a kit to match? A plain white top, with afterthought red as the finishes. It really could have been so much more.
England: 8/10
Say what you want about our colonial friends, England really does know how to make a simple design go a long way.
The 1966 Cup winners have imbued their mostly white kit with understated elegance, making for a fine sight when they go out on penalties in the round of 16.
Poland: 7/10
Sharp and to the point, Poland isn't messing about with their attire offering.
A team that could prove to be a bit of a smoky in Russia, they've got a kit to match: Looks simple at first, but peer a little closer and there are quite a few nice finishes.
So kind of like Robert Lewandowski, in kit form.
Senegal: 5/10
Senegal have gone for the faded emblem print in the "background", and it doesn't quite come off convincingly.
Judge the Lions of Teranga by their footballers, I guess — they've got a host of good ones this year — because the kit, while not terrible, isn't a world beater, neither.
Colombia: 8/10
Retro! Retro! Retro! Colombia's kit is unapologetically a throwback to the days of afro-sporting footballers and silky stepovers.
The early '90s-style zaps on the chest make it look a bit like that lightning bolt from the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers emblem, too.
Japan: 9/10
Ending the list strongly, Japan's dark blue kit is less of a throwback and more of a nod towards the country's Samurai heritage.
And hats off, Samurai Blue have played an absolute blinder here. It's so very Japanese: beautiful, sharp, sophisticated, meticulous and meant to be taken very, very seriously.
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